Loving Your Aging Parents, Celebrating Anyway, and the “Sin of Vanity”
Jun 13, 2025
Every year, my mother has a birthday.
(It’s okay. You can sit with that bombshell for a second.)
And every year, it’s the same script, delivered with the dry insouciance of a woman who has lived through recessions, heartbreaks, history, and more than one of those weird salads with Jell-O in it:
“I don’t want anything.”
“Just dinner is fine.”
“I have everything I need.”
Pause.
“Though I would like a spa day.”
That last part sneaks in like a cat. Casual. Half-serious. Which means she absolutely wants the spa day, but will take thoughtful, curated presents.
Welcome to the emotional Olympics of celebrating a tough, independent, “I can do it myself” parent who’s earned every bit of peace and privacy she now guards like it’s Fort Knox.
And yet… you still want to mark the day.
Not with a parade or a singing waiter. But with intention. With care. With the kind of quiet reverence that says:
You matter. You’re aging. And I see you, even if you don’t want me to make eye contact while I say that.
When They Don’t Want a Party, But You Still Want to Show Up
My mother is not needy.
She is not performative.
She is not asking for a celebration.
But that’s the thing about love, isn’t it? It shows up in all kinds of ways. I have never once doubted my mother loved me, and she told me all the time. She hugged me all the time. She went out of her way for me all the time (Cookie mom? That was above and beyond). Of course, she also still complains about stupid things I did in high school (duh, I was in high school) and that she did not ‘like’ me much from 15-19, but she is also usually honest with me, so there is balance. No surprise, I value genuineness, directness, and knowledge - so I appreciate the honesty.
Everyone wants love to show up their way - but there are a LOT of ways to love someone. It doesn’t always show up in noise and gifts and elaborate charcuterie boards.
Sometimes it shows up as a perfectly timed dinner reservation, a new book placed without comment on her bed, or the simple act of watching a movie about the seven deadly sins together and letting the subtext do the work.
Let me explain.
The “Sin of Vanity,” Revisited
A few weeks before her birthday, my mom - stoic, sensible, whip-smart - announced over the dinner table:
“I’ve decided I haven’t sinned enough in my life. So I’m going to embrace the sin of vanity.”
I blinked. And took a sip of my margarita. My mom. Vanity? Was she kidding? She has not worn lipstick for as long as I can remember. Though she does get a facial EVERY MONTH and loves her pedicures, so maybe this makes a little sense.
And she was serious-ish. She was smiling. She thought it was funny. We tried to remember all seven of the deadly sins.
I wasn’t sure how to respond to the actual idea of ‘vanity.’ . Because as a therapist, I spend a lot of time untangling the lie that beauty is the same as worth. That vanity is a trap, especially for women. That diet culture and anti-aging rhetoric are a black hole for self-worth. And yet...
Part of me understood.
Maybe this was about diet culture or beauty standards - maybe not. Maybe this was about saying, “Screw it, I get to feel good in my skin, even now. Especially now.”
Still, I wasn’t quite ready to go full Sephora Girl.
So I said, “We should watch Seven.”
Yes. The movie. Brad Pitt. Morgan Freeman. Gwyneth’s head in a box.
Because when someone casually invokes deadly sins at dinner? That’s either a call for a spa day… or a psychological thriller. Sometimes both.
What Does It Mean to Celebrate?
Not everyone wants to be celebrated loudly. Not everyone wants a slideshow, a speech, or a group hug. Though they might allow one of those - or at least the hug. Some people want calm. They want choice. They want dignity. They want quiet.
My mother has never wanted to be the center of attention. She doesn’t chase sentimentality. She doesn’t unpack her grief in public. She doesn’t want to be handled, explained, or pitied.
And that’s what makes her kind of love harder to wrap in a bow.
Because how do you honor someone who will never ask to be honored?
You show up in the language they understand.
- A dinner reservation made someplace new so she can try new things.
- A car ride with her favorite music playing low - or silence.
- A “nothing fancy” card tucked inside a hardcover book she’d like. Or some other small, meaningful token of appreciation as a gift.
- A spa day, booked without fanfare, because she’d never ask for it directly-but always says yes when it’s offered.
The Birthday Is for Her. The Grief Is Yours.
Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:
Even when your parent is alive-especially when they’re healthy and strong and brushing off every suggestion that they’re “slowing down”-there’s grief in watching time pass.
Not because you’re waiting for loss.
But because you know it’s coming.
And sometimes, that grief slips into the edges of their birthday. Not because the day is sad, but because it is finite. Because there are only so many more. Because they still make the same dry joke about getting older, but their hands are different now. Their gait is a little slower. Their bedtime is a little earlier.
You don’t cry. You pour the wine. You tell them they look good.
You notice everything.
That noticing is love, too.
What If You’re Still Holding Complicated History?
Celebrating someone doesn’t require perfect peace. You can still carry questions. Regret. Things left unsaid. Boundaries that had to be built. Pain you’ve outgrown and patterns you don’t want to repeat.
You can light the candle and still hold the fire of your own growth.
You can sit across from your mother, or father, or person-who-raised-you, and love them with your full chest and your full story.
That, to me, is grace. That is the wildest birthday gift of all.
“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.” – Mark Twain
Or maybe they did happen. Maybe they just happened differently for each of you.
If You’re Wondering What to Do, Start Here
🎂 Don’t try to fix aging.
Your parent doesn’t need to be younger. They need to be seen. Let the fine lines be holy. Let the quiet be celebratory. Let the evening be enough.
🎁 Ask what they actually want-and believe them.
If they say dinner, go to dinner. If they say no presents, don’t sneak one in and call it “just a little something.” Unless it’s a spa day. Spa days are the acceptable loophole.
🕯️ Tell them a story.
Instead of asking for theirs, share yours. A memory. A moment. A lesson you learned because they existed.
✉️A few years ago I wrote my mom a ‘Thank You’ letter (email) and told her what I appreciate about her. I don’t know why we don’t do this more. I got the idea from Robert Waldinger, PhD, who wrote a book called “The Good Life” and was the inspiration for the New York Times’ 2023 “Happiness Challenge.” I also heard him interviewed on multiple podcasts, including 10% Happier, DOAC, and Mel Robbins. Of course, she saved it.
🎥 Watch Seven. Or whatever works.
Sometimes a shared movie is the best therapy. Bonus points if it includes screaming, redemption, or Morgan Freeman explaining the intricacies of being a detective and what it means when you did your job - but it was not a victory.
💬 Accept what they give you.
It may be understated. It may be uncomfortable. It may be a side-eye and a “thank you” said too quickly. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
She’s Still Becoming. So Are You.
So yes, this year, my mother is embracing vanity.
A little lotion. A spa day. A new lipstick. A moment in the mirror that says, “I’m still here.”
And I’m trying-awkwardly, lovingly-to meet her there.
Not with balloons or big gestures. But with quiet witness and support. With my shopping skills. With a side of sarcasm.
She may not want a fuss.
But she deserves to be celebrated.
Not because she’s aged “well.”
Not because she’s strong.
But because she’s here. Still.
Still choosing how she wants to be seen.
And for one night, over dinner, with the right lighting and the right wine… we’ll let the moment be enough.
Resources for Gentle Celebration & Care
- The Art of Aging Gracefully – NIMH
- How to Navigate Elder Care When They’re Independent – Psychology Today
- Self-Compassion for Caregivers – Dr. Kristin Neff
- The Gifts of Imperfect Connection – Verywell Mind
- Caring for Aging Parents Without Losing Yourself – MHA
Resources & Links
